The hardest thing I’ve had to face is whether to continue a relationship with people who not only voted for Trump – knowing who he was and did, but continue to defend him.
I have had many sleepless nights – yes, it may sound to you as hyperbole, but I worry about every decision in life, deciding whether I needed to erase individuals from my life. It’s most likely my lifelong depression and anxiety that keeps me in a continual state of unsuredness – is that a word? Spell check didn’t recognize it, but I’m using it anyway. If years from now Mirriam Webster adds it to thei dictionary, remember I used it first.
Eventually I realized that it wasn’t so much that they voted for Trump; it became a matter of morals.
If you are able to put all of your upbringing aside to vote for someone like him, then you’re most likely someone I no longer want in my life.
I have done, what I needed to do, but there have been a few exceptions. That’s probably hypocritical but I do what I feel I need to do.
I came across this piece in the Washington Post – Meagan Leahy is a favorite of mine. I think she laid it out in a simple manner that everyone can understand.
Dear Meghan: Our 26-year old son has “canceled” his grandmother, uncle and cousin, and we are heartbroken. During his last visit to them in a red state just before the 2024 presidential election, grandma said women should not hold leadership positions because they were not as capable as men; uncle and cousin used racial slurs and further insulted women, minorities and immigrants.
Our son is understandably angry and upset, particularly because these relatives identify as Christians. He sees this as a human rights issue that goes beyond political differences, and as his parents, we agree. He deleted their contacts and refuses to respond to their calls or texts.
His grandma is not getting any younger (she’s close to 90), and while we agree with our son in principle, we feel sad that he may never speak with her again. He is not terribly close to uncle and cousin, so we’re less concerned about that rift.
How can we respectfully help broker a dialogue so our son and his grandma are able to communicate with each other even if they agree to disagree on a variety of topics? We have suggested he write Grandma a letter explaining why he is upset, but he feels that she should apologize first. Grandma knows he’s upset, but she doesn’t feel moved to apologize. She says that’s just how she was raised, and immigrants here illegally have broken the law and don’t deserve to be here. I realize that many American families are grappling with this divide, and hopefully you can share some advice or resources to help bridge the differences. Thank you!
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Following AdviceFollowing
— Canceled
Canceled: Oh, this is so unfortunate. The “cancellation” of family is also known as estrangement, and it may feel isolating, but it is far more common than most people know. A 2022 YouGov survey found that “more than one in four Americans — 29 percent — report being estranged from an immediate family member, including siblings, parents, children, or grandparents.” The divide in issues, communication style and even what we define as “trauma” has made estrangements more common.
As devastating as estrangement can be, let’s clarify one thing: Your son is an adult and free to stop speaking to his grandmother, uncle and cousin, and you can choose to stay in relationship with these people. Every human gets to decide what their boundaries are and, most importantly, we get to grow and change our minds. It can be a hallmark of a young or immature mind to stick to black-and-white thinking, so your role isn’t to force connections; it is to provide nuance.
Your son doesn’t (rightly or wrongly) see nuance in racial slurs and misogyny; he is strong in standing up for what he believes in! He isn’t pretending to ignore it. You can choose to celebrate his values and strength and appreciate that he believes he is taking a stand on protecting people by shutting out others.
I’m not trying to make a moral relativity argument; I’m simply positing that your son gets to create and maintain boundaries with those he views as threatening, dangerous and abhorrent. Will he regret this estrangement? Maybe, but let’s clarify what your role is and isn’t. You wonder how to broker a deal, and it seems you already tried that. You asked your son to write a letter, but he declined. You asked the grandmother to speak to him; she declined and, worse, doubled down on her views. So, what are you supposed to do now?
The answer is painfully clear: Do nothing.
Instead, support your son in his choices while continuing the conversation. You may worry that Grandma could die estranged from her grandson, but that’s not your relationship to fix. Your work is listening to your son and, if he prompts it, talking out the pros and cons of estrangement. If he asks for your opinion, you can offer it, but otherwise, just stay curious with him.
And if you speak to anyone about cultivating empathy and gentleness, I would suggest that the grandmother is still able to move toward understanding her grandson a little. “That’s just how she was raised” is the argumentative equivalent of saying, “I stopped thinking for myself at 10 years old.” I find that people who say this struggle with the vulnerability required to think of other perspectives, and I get it. It is mature work! The same could be said for your son as he is struggling to understand his grandmother — the difference being that compassion and humanity are on his side.
No matter what, this is hard. If you find yourself truly struggling, there are great online resources as well books like “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Good luck.
My thoughts ... and I do have them. 